It...

She lay there, almost lifeless to his eyes. The flesh on her body seemed to melt away as if there was nothing but bones left. Resembling tiny white picketed fences, but they seemed to be twisted and tattered, they were far from being perfectly in line. Gluing her eyelids to her top brown bone, just to remain awake, her slumber was meant to be permanent. It was suppose to happen overnight but this had been going on for many years now... everyone told her she needed to believe in something, but frankly she had, but just like all things in life they seemed to let her down and be seen as a disappointment.

Again there he stood perched over her decomposing body, his mouth seemed to want to consume her but she shook with fright. His icy touch froze her body, she wasn’t able to move a morsel and he took her over. The nail polish started to melt away as the sweat landed on each finger as she tried to claw herself from his grasp.

The bicycle she once road now lies faceless on the burnt grass; the cancerous rust has taken over it, and the once blue coating has now turned into a red puddle. The wheels have turned upside down, and who ever choose to ride, would only fall to their feet. Both tiny handle bars were now covered in moss and soot, and would sting each tiny cut on your palms. HELP, she spells out with each tiny incision she makes. He once felt so comforting to her but now she turns to the affair she made her own.  

Her childhood was an invisible nightmare, one she seemed to be playing on her own. Her skin began to grow back again strong and thick, this time not letting anyone or anything threw... he thought he had concurred her, yet he was just making her weaker by the minute. She was just a toy, used and thrown into the box once he was done with her, and she would rot away as she would back in the day. The once perfect Barbie had been encased for so long, Ken forgot about her and the next best thing would come and find her.

She lay there on the bed, as she had every night but this time she wasn’t going to let it happen again. The bicycle had been renewed and was ready to be ridden off into the foggy distance. The knife stood still on the nightstand and no longer would it be making incisions in her wrist, but the new owner was about to receive an unwanted and surprising gift...

Is death the question or the answer?

SO today you died, and I didn’t? How did that work out? So sick you were, and so sick I am. I am so sorry for showing you all my misery, but today is for you and not me… you once told me “
You have wings of STEEL. No one's really sure why, but at this point in your life you've shut off emotion to the point of extreme apathy. You are cold and indifferent much of the time...or perhaps you're just a good pretender. Next to impossible to get close to, even those who do never see the real you. It's entirely possible that YOU don't even know the real you. You have a certain fascination or attraction to destruction on a massive scale - disasters, perhaps even death or the concept of the Apocalypse. Because you hold so much inside, one day you're simply going to snap. Then the mask will fall away, and your true wings will be revealed. Until then you will deal with whatever comes your way in icy bitter silence and acceptance. On the positive side, you are fearless and immeasurably strong - not much can crack through your defences. You intrigue people, who can't help but wonder why you're the way you are. A loner and one who spends much of their time brooding and contemplating life and death - you are a time bomb waiting to explode and create some destruction of your own… but I still love you.”

you wanted me to write a blog for/about you, here it is....

"you don't throw a whole life away because it's banged up a little."

everyone deserves a second chance. -JB

They say everyone deserves a second chance, I think I have used mine up long ago... yet people still keep granting me them. I know personally all I have hurt over the many years, and words cant express how sorry I really am... You see/well I am not sure what it is, but I have this nact to know how to emotionally hit someone, a charge that is sent through their body like a beam of lightening striking down on them.
People tell me I am capable of being this awesome person, yet I wont allow myself this sort of gratitude.

It's taken me a while to see my own self destruction, but along the way I have seen the damage I have really done, it has all come back to me regardless if that isn't my intention. Karma's a bitch right?! I have won many battles, and wars, but tragedy has swept those times- I have lost everyone/everything close to me, and it's taken me this long to smarten up and say "what the hell am I doing?!"

To those who have been there and left, those who I  have yet to meet, and those who have stuck by long enough to tell me what an idiot I am... Thank you-  I wont let who ever else is out there down, just have some faith!

sometimes all someone needs is a second chance..... here goes nothing!

I remember...

Today I should be remembering the soldiers, and the people who faught for our country; am I ever so selfish to be thinking of  "you" today instead?
At 11:11am/pm, just as everyday passes this time, I wish; I wish for you, I wish for us, I wish for myself. I wish you were still here with me.
See I want to remember the good times we had, but all the lingers in my mind is what are you doing? Do you think of me, what happend to all the things I made you/or you had in your room? Did the garbage consume them, a well lit flame or a drawer with an endless mouth? It is a gut renching pain I wish upon no one to feel.

A friend of mine told me that a few years past her boyfriend sadly died in a car accident, she was laughing about it, its been two years... tomorrow it will be 4 months since you left me. Difference is you chose to leave me, her's didnt. She had closure, I never will...and so we'll never really understand each others pain... The thought of you still lingers in my mind, just as the poppys do in the fields. People remember this day, as I remember all my days with you. All I wish for is to be someones memory. To be thought of, to be worried about, to be cared about, the longing to be someones loved one. But every year on this day we remember them, not us, not yourselves, but "them". And a tiny part of my will always think of you today...

You can fly?

This cold hallow wooden structure that has her perched ever so slightly on its behind, brings shadow to her sunshine. The paint chips away as she strums her nails across its body, and it creeks as though it is trying to tell her to get up. She sat there in silence, watching what appears to be cloud like figures in the sky. It breaks through the blue canvas, leaving this foamy tail, trailing along side it; so strange a figure she had yet to see... It was fast but silent and it covered much of the ocean sky.
The movement of that giant piece of metal, sailed so effortlessly like a boat on calm water. They dove and ducked behind mountains, soared across homes, and flew with the birds... but at one time or another she knew they would have to crash in order to get their feet back on the ground.
You flew her heart straight into the ground and crushed her very insides with those tiny propeller blades, shredding her heart all across the runway. And with each gust of wind she would be taken farther and farther away from you... She was another passenger to you, she had gone along for your short ride; and was left to claim her own baggage. I guess it really was only a "one way" ticket to loneliness.

I walked passed her again today, she still sits in that very same spot I first saw her many months ago. Yet somehow the weather has changed and all is lost amongst the clouds. A plane goes by and a tiny tear falls from her painsaken eye, and as it falls to her hands I see a tiny piece of paper. It was her ticket from their first flight together... Her mind and soul are lost, wandering amongst the clouds; as the planes fly by, she traces her fingers along their structures, trying to remember what it felt like to really touch something...

I walk away ever so slowly, and as I turn my head to catch one more glance of her, the sky exploded, and I think a tiny smile finally perched itself onto her lips...

I dont know how it goes...

Someone once told me as time goes by, everything works itself out, and "time" heals all wounds... is that so?! So why is it that everynight I look down at my chest and see that there is this enormous hole where my heart used to be? Inscribed all around it are words and names of people that will forever haunt my soul.
I see people each and everyday saying those three simplistic words that never seem to leave my mouth nor enter my presence. "I love you" (I even hate typing it on a screen.) Where is the meaning behind it, it seeps out like lava, not caring what/who it hurts along the way... I was never told it as a child, and guys only used it as an excuse to well you know where it goes from there. To me those words have depth and meaning and sure I'll say luv ya, ilu, luv u 2, but I dont really "mean" it. Tell me something; what parents even mean it these days? Look at mine they are divorced, and hadn't said it in over twelve years, these highschool/college relationships stricly based on juvinille problems and well most family members they have to say it, they're stuck with you. To me there is no such thing as "love" and frankly I could care less if it even existed. Society has ruined the whole meaning behind it, with the ideas of fairytales leaving us with happily ever after, and movies and books that end with the girl getting the guy. WAKE UP!!!! Reality check! Personally I'll be content being the crazy cat lady...

Back again... to the beginning

It seems as though I keep coming back to the same corners of my mind, and I have no idea how I originally got there. I'm not sure what will come out of my words, or if anyone is out there for that matter wanting to read my tangled of a mess. At this time nothing makes sense, and my head is up their with the clouds. For all of you who have wondered what am I thinking (if that's ever the case) here it goes... Wish me luck!