"50" Blown Out Candles

All I could think of today was the number 50.

50 ways I could say I hate you,
50 ways I could say you're wrong,
50 ways I could say you don't deserve us,
50 ways I could say you let us down,
50 ways I could say you're a horrible father.

And to think I used to be daddy's little girl...

So here's to you today-- for you to realize all the wrong doings you made in life,
for the mistakes that will never be undone,
for the daughter you never had or ever will,

I hope on this day that is truly about you, is.

Because on this day I celebrate another year without a father,

Happy Birthday "Dad"

Born

It was a pleasant day, it was a happy day.

You woke up with the biggest smile on your face, and the best part you were wrapped around me so tightly I would of had to squirm my way out of your embrace.

I handed you the bag- and with each rip and tare, your smile widened- your mom couldn't believe how much I had spoiled you. I knew I went overboard but just seeing your reaction, well to me that was priceless.

We weren't even together at this point- but somehow we were. All you wanted was to be with me that day and night, and so it went...

---

Today's a different story though. You're 24, and last year is long forgotten.

You'll drink with friends and share a laugh or two. Perhaps you'll take a girl home from work or from the local bar and wake up next to a strangers face.

Here I sit thinking of you on this day- and how happy we were last year. So here's to you, here's to what we were and weren't and what we are today.

Happy Birthday.

Too many too soon...

There must have been a concept I somehow missed when I was younger... where my name somehow became a definition-- and with it came the scrutinty of that background.

Here is to that guy that I let get away, who I pushed away, who I drove away... and now I am more stuck then I ever was on the day he walked out with his bags. If he saw this, I am sure he'd laugh and roll his eyes in disgust... for I am no different then the girl he first met so long ago. I miss you, and because of that loathing, this is what I am delt with. Because of you, I have lost myself.

Beyond wanting the love of my life, I find myself drawn to this gorgeous, handsome, strong man whos looks make me melt. The way he touches me, and holds me--I have never felt before, he always has me in his embrace, and I am never without kisses. But the messages and encounters are far and few between, and I must seem like a child bantering and messaging constantly... yet he still wants to see me-- and I long to see him. What is this?

Next, I have an interesting fellow (and yes I said next) who wants to settle down and have a family and kids, music to my ears... but I am 21? I realize I am not financially stable, I dont have my shit together-- or so I thought I did I work in the mall... oh dear God. But all I can think about is babies... and I am sure with that said-- I just scared off half of the male population. He is interesting to talk to and I can message when ever I want, I feel no pull... basically nothing.

Then you throw in a guy who I met, who leaves his  girlfriend of 2.5 years for me-- what is this?! How can I make these guys leave, be with me and then go oh dear I'm out. I am cursed. I feel bad leading the poor bastard on... maybe it's his accent I like, but no car, no really good job? (That is materialistic...) But I dont want to play games... he would spoil me, that is for damn sure, I just dont know if I would be invested, and search for something better. I sound picky right now...

There are options, endless options yet I keep searching. They say third time is a charm, but I dont want any of the three...

Baby Proof

I stared at the contraption right in front of my eyes, while counting down from 60.
The box said 2-3 minutes but I couldn't wait that long...
One line indicated a no, two lines indicated a yes.

I slowly opened the side, to make sure I didn't wreck the contents on the inside.
I knew what was about to happen next, and it was my least favourite part.
Washing my hands rigorously I made sure to not bump the test off the counter.

Again I kept staring, I was at 30 seconds now.
The lines started to form...
From light pink to a dark red.

Did I want a girl or a boy, boy or a girl?
It didn't matter I just wanted one.
I was like a little girl, I wanted the surprise to be over.

I had to double check the box just to be sure.
I was right...
It was just as I expected.

Negative.

Hazy days- Clear Nights

There we all were surrounded by a singular table tossing white bubbles into red engulfements. SPLASH! Finally it sunk...

Time keeps passing and the games seem to be taking longer the dizzier I am becoming... the smell of peach fills the air and I find myself wafting in a smokey aroma, that has now surrendered onto my lips. Slowly licking the salt tang off of them I feel the hot ash as the filter wears out.

Then  it happened. I heard it... well I had heard you tell me off earlier that day, but really over technology... like get a grip. Now this was about to get too intense for my liking. You said it, over and over again like a constant door bell that just wont shut up!
I never imagined you ever calling me the name I utterly hate... but sure enough you became like all the others... too immature for your own good, not be able to own up and defend yourself... but throwing that word out there making it all my fault. CRAZY, me crazy?! Try again...
To hear those words come from others mouths, saying you said that... well I nerely died right then and there... and all at once you shattered my heart again, and the tears fell and still keep falling.

I snapped, I twitched, I basically threw a hissy fit infont of all our friends-- well now my friends. It happened, just like it did years past, and years past those. And all at once my thoughts consummed me. What I would do to you, your family, your friends... mostly how to hurt you. As bad as that sounds my ideas would work... but somehow you of all people made me not want to carry out with them. I would rather you suffer from all your wrong-doings. You arent so nice yourself you know?

I consummed, I drank, I inhaled, and I exhaled... all while you were in the back of my mind... or would it be the front?

It will never make sense to me... but hey I got the reassurance you never gave me... and after almost two years, you are not the man I thought you were (correction you are no man, you are a boy).
Your own friends have turned their backs on you... you are self absorbed, selfish, unkind and basically a dick.

This is just my thought on today-- who knows you could be the love of my life again tomorrow.

Dream a reality

What happened, where am I, where were we...

There we sat, and talked and imagined a life we wanted... and it happened. Hand in hand we walked up to your parents doorway where we once spend endless moments in each others arms. Your mom answered, and with a huge smile embrassed me like her own. She smelt of hairspray and vanilla body lotion, her hair perfectly clipped back with just the right pieces falling down infront of her rose-bud like cheeks.

As we step through the doorway I notice your dad, Canucks shirt on and grabbing steaks to throw onto the BBQ. He looked so masculine, so incontrol, I knew where you got your amazing providing skills from. I feel so at home, and could not imagine being anywhere else. I calmly asked where your brother is, but I realize if I walk downstairs he'll be playing on his computer as he did years back.
I quickly encounter your sisters and brother-in-law and flash a few smiles and some quick squeezes, we havent seen them in a while... dont you remember back in the day how I was so concerned that they hated me? How foolish was I?

As I walk towards to bar stool I cannot help but look down at my left hand to notice a beautiful ring placed upon my ring finger. For a moment I am taken back, and soon realize we had wed the previous year and for some reason had slipped my mind. I try to be descreat but your mom notices the sly like grin on my face, and cannot help but chuckle at how I am being so giddy, was I acting like I was 14?

The night progresses, and as a family we have our dinner and chit chat about life and what is new... for some reason I still feel some tension with your sisters, but then again that is just me being silly as per usual. As follows I grab anything off the table to clear--but your mom as always tells me otherwise. I ask if I could possibly rest downstairs, since I have fallen faint and feel a horrible headache coming on... your younger of the two sisters chims in and says she will watch Jayce for me, while the boys go outside, and I rest downstairs. Not clueing in I casually agree with this notion of her watching so and so.

You then came in for a quick peck on the cheak and dash outside to go do what ever guys do. And I head downstairs to sit and finally have some piece and quiet I have so been longing for all day. About an hour passes and now I am sitting on the porch with some sparkling apple juice-- I am somewhat puzzled at my choice, but feel it was just not a wine day for me... you scoot around the corner of the house and ask where Jayce is. Who is Jayce I ponder for a moment... before I can respond your sister goes hes fine, I just put him down for a nap let your wife take a break. Wife, take a break? Jayce?
Without a second thought I realize Jayce is my son, and soon we are packing him back into the car and driving to our home.

Why was I so out of it today I thought, I have a husband and a son? You lean over squeeze my inner thigh as you had when we were younger, and slowly move your hand onto my belly and ask how baby is doing... suddenly I gasp and look down to find my stomache a glow with the essence of another being. Pregnant? What is going on with me today...

I try and remember the days back where I longed for this day. The perfect man, the perfect family and I had everything I could ever want... without another breath a sharp pain kicks in my side and I convulse.

*** What just happened? I awake with blood streaming down my legs...

Here I lay in a double sized bed, with my orange and blue sheets covering my half naked body. Looking around the room there is nothing of yours here. I shiver and slowly crawl to my feet to clean off the stains forming on my thighs. As I get up and walk around tears are streaming down my face.
I realize there is no you, no Jayce, no ring, no love... just me... alone...

It was all a dream so life-like, so real. Why did I wake up? I could of died and forever lived in this dream world. You dont live here anymore, and your family barely speak to me...
I unlock my phone an open a document of where I have hidden future baby names (yes it is sad but oh well) as I scroll down there on the fifth line the name "Jayce" sticks out like a sore thumb. A name picked out... the tears run farther down my face.

Great way to start the day off right? I start to scream, to question, to wonder why on Earth you ever left! How could you do this when the picture in my head was so blatently perfect! I wish I could pull you into my dream and show you- and just be like look- it worked out! What were you thinking... I will never know and personally I dont think I ever will be okay...

Curlled up on the floor I sit and stare at where your presence used to be. This house is haunted with your old being, my unwed soul you left behind along with your unborn son. Funny how badly you hurt me, and you dont even know.

I hope all your nightmares become a reality, and your dreams diminish the second you wake up...

Sleepover

The tiny window-sill wrapped around the essence of the room, outlined in white cedar. It contained four small corridors, which could barely fit a grown man. And all along I was just sitting on the computer chair watching you sleep.

It smells of beer, and clothes are scattered all across the floor, and anything that has a shelf. The cat has permanently rested upon the many layers of blankets randomly selected on top of your bed.
With each type I hear the click of the keys on the keyboard, as the chair makes tiny squeaks as I gently re-adjust my posture. My toes become chilled and the tiny hairs on my legs are standing upright.

Upstairs your mom moves, and I am so scared she is about to trudge down the stairs, and I am stuck without a way to hide. The cat purrs louder and I can barely hear myself think... its gone... and just like that I am back to watching you sleep.

My sock once white, now is a stained brown-yellowish mould slowly creeping from my toes to my heals in the escape to find a new clean surface to dirty. I wish to grab each paper scattered along the floor and start a snowball-paper war and watch us laugh in endless delight... but I am just here sitting on a chair, wishing we were laughing, but we aren't and probably wont be today.

The clock is now 9:24am and you still seem to be engulfed in all the many blankets on your chamber. And I am growing thin of being a sacrifice to the one room at the end of the hall. Soon enough you will awake, and I as well as you must carefully release ourselves from the house and climb into the vehicle that awaits its carriers.

I look back and you have repositioned yourself so your face is looking at mine, I smile and turn away.

Tiny footsteps cause my gaze to shift upwards and count the seconds until an intruder passes the hallway connecting this dungeon I feel I have been in for days-- yet its only been a few minutes.

*Knock* *Knock*
It's your brother, hungover and stumbling into his bedroom, he gives me the oddest glance, smiles and turns around. It was as if he knew this was an odd encounter yet he was in approval. I missed your brother, well I miss him...

I carefully adjust my position, wiggle my toes, crack my back and slowly but calmly head towards you... sitting next to this lifeless body, I brush my ever so tainted lips on your warm cheek, slyly glide my left hand over your shaggy hair and watch you inhale and exhale. I know the next moment wont be pretty...

You look straight into my blood-shot eyes from the lack of sleep I gained-- I didn't want to wake up and not be connected to you in some way. Groggy, confused, dazed you wonder why I am perched next to you at such an hour on a Saturday. Sadly I must go and you aren't pleased. Silently we sneak upstairs, and manage to leave the house without a sound, success!

The drive in this teal box contains my tears and stains my sleeves. You push me out into the rain, and all I have left to see is the smoke your tires have left. You said nothing, yet that was enough for me to understand...

I felt safe at one point... now I am in a new unknown area of a timeless clock that wont tell me the time and I am not sure which corridor I am in. All I know is yet again I am sitting behind a screen typing and there is no one in the bed.