"50" Blown Out Candles

All I could think of today was the number 50.

50 ways I could say I hate you,
50 ways I could say you're wrong,
50 ways I could say you don't deserve us,
50 ways I could say you let us down,
50 ways I could say you're a horrible father.

And to think I used to be daddy's little girl...

So here's to you today-- for you to realize all the wrong doings you made in life,
for the mistakes that will never be undone,
for the daughter you never had or ever will,

I hope on this day that is truly about you, is.

Because on this day I celebrate another year without a father,

Happy Birthday "Dad"

Born

It was a pleasant day, it was a happy day.

You woke up with the biggest smile on your face, and the best part you were wrapped around me so tightly I would of had to squirm my way out of your embrace.

I handed you the bag- and with each rip and tare, your smile widened- your mom couldn't believe how much I had spoiled you. I knew I went overboard but just seeing your reaction, well to me that was priceless.

We weren't even together at this point- but somehow we were. All you wanted was to be with me that day and night, and so it went...

---

Today's a different story though. You're 24, and last year is long forgotten.

You'll drink with friends and share a laugh or two. Perhaps you'll take a girl home from work or from the local bar and wake up next to a strangers face.

Here I sit thinking of you on this day- and how happy we were last year. So here's to you, here's to what we were and weren't and what we are today.

Happy Birthday.

Too many too soon...

There must have been a concept I somehow missed when I was younger... where my name somehow became a definition-- and with it came the scrutinty of that background.

Here is to that guy that I let get away, who I pushed away, who I drove away... and now I am more stuck then I ever was on the day he walked out with his bags. If he saw this, I am sure he'd laugh and roll his eyes in disgust... for I am no different then the girl he first met so long ago. I miss you, and because of that loathing, this is what I am delt with. Because of you, I have lost myself.

Beyond wanting the love of my life, I find myself drawn to this gorgeous, handsome, strong man whos looks make me melt. The way he touches me, and holds me--I have never felt before, he always has me in his embrace, and I am never without kisses. But the messages and encounters are far and few between, and I must seem like a child bantering and messaging constantly... yet he still wants to see me-- and I long to see him. What is this?

Next, I have an interesting fellow (and yes I said next) who wants to settle down and have a family and kids, music to my ears... but I am 21? I realize I am not financially stable, I dont have my shit together-- or so I thought I did I work in the mall... oh dear God. But all I can think about is babies... and I am sure with that said-- I just scared off half of the male population. He is interesting to talk to and I can message when ever I want, I feel no pull... basically nothing.

Then you throw in a guy who I met, who leaves his  girlfriend of 2.5 years for me-- what is this?! How can I make these guys leave, be with me and then go oh dear I'm out. I am cursed. I feel bad leading the poor bastard on... maybe it's his accent I like, but no car, no really good job? (That is materialistic...) But I dont want to play games... he would spoil me, that is for damn sure, I just dont know if I would be invested, and search for something better. I sound picky right now...

There are options, endless options yet I keep searching. They say third time is a charm, but I dont want any of the three...

Baby Proof

I stared at the contraption right in front of my eyes, while counting down from 60.
The box said 2-3 minutes but I couldn't wait that long...
One line indicated a no, two lines indicated a yes.

I slowly opened the side, to make sure I didn't wreck the contents on the inside.
I knew what was about to happen next, and it was my least favourite part.
Washing my hands rigorously I made sure to not bump the test off the counter.

Again I kept staring, I was at 30 seconds now.
The lines started to form...
From light pink to a dark red.

Did I want a girl or a boy, boy or a girl?
It didn't matter I just wanted one.
I was like a little girl, I wanted the surprise to be over.

I had to double check the box just to be sure.
I was right...
It was just as I expected.

Negative.

Hazy days- Clear Nights

There we all were surrounded by a singular table tossing white bubbles into red engulfements. SPLASH! Finally it sunk...

Time keeps passing and the games seem to be taking longer the dizzier I am becoming... the smell of peach fills the air and I find myself wafting in a smokey aroma, that has now surrendered onto my lips. Slowly licking the salt tang off of them I feel the hot ash as the filter wears out.

Then  it happened. I heard it... well I had heard you tell me off earlier that day, but really over technology... like get a grip. Now this was about to get too intense for my liking. You said it, over and over again like a constant door bell that just wont shut up!
I never imagined you ever calling me the name I utterly hate... but sure enough you became like all the others... too immature for your own good, not be able to own up and defend yourself... but throwing that word out there making it all my fault. CRAZY, me crazy?! Try again...
To hear those words come from others mouths, saying you said that... well I nerely died right then and there... and all at once you shattered my heart again, and the tears fell and still keep falling.

I snapped, I twitched, I basically threw a hissy fit infont of all our friends-- well now my friends. It happened, just like it did years past, and years past those. And all at once my thoughts consummed me. What I would do to you, your family, your friends... mostly how to hurt you. As bad as that sounds my ideas would work... but somehow you of all people made me not want to carry out with them. I would rather you suffer from all your wrong-doings. You arent so nice yourself you know?

I consummed, I drank, I inhaled, and I exhaled... all while you were in the back of my mind... or would it be the front?

It will never make sense to me... but hey I got the reassurance you never gave me... and after almost two years, you are not the man I thought you were (correction you are no man, you are a boy).
Your own friends have turned their backs on you... you are self absorbed, selfish, unkind and basically a dick.

This is just my thought on today-- who knows you could be the love of my life again tomorrow.

Dream a reality

What happened, where am I, where were we...

There we sat, and talked and imagined a life we wanted... and it happened. Hand in hand we walked up to your parents doorway where we once spend endless moments in each others arms. Your mom answered, and with a huge smile embrassed me like her own. She smelt of hairspray and vanilla body lotion, her hair perfectly clipped back with just the right pieces falling down infront of her rose-bud like cheeks.

As we step through the doorway I notice your dad, Canucks shirt on and grabbing steaks to throw onto the BBQ. He looked so masculine, so incontrol, I knew where you got your amazing providing skills from. I feel so at home, and could not imagine being anywhere else. I calmly asked where your brother is, but I realize if I walk downstairs he'll be playing on his computer as he did years back.
I quickly encounter your sisters and brother-in-law and flash a few smiles and some quick squeezes, we havent seen them in a while... dont you remember back in the day how I was so concerned that they hated me? How foolish was I?

As I walk towards to bar stool I cannot help but look down at my left hand to notice a beautiful ring placed upon my ring finger. For a moment I am taken back, and soon realize we had wed the previous year and for some reason had slipped my mind. I try to be descreat but your mom notices the sly like grin on my face, and cannot help but chuckle at how I am being so giddy, was I acting like I was 14?

The night progresses, and as a family we have our dinner and chit chat about life and what is new... for some reason I still feel some tension with your sisters, but then again that is just me being silly as per usual. As follows I grab anything off the table to clear--but your mom as always tells me otherwise. I ask if I could possibly rest downstairs, since I have fallen faint and feel a horrible headache coming on... your younger of the two sisters chims in and says she will watch Jayce for me, while the boys go outside, and I rest downstairs. Not clueing in I casually agree with this notion of her watching so and so.

You then came in for a quick peck on the cheak and dash outside to go do what ever guys do. And I head downstairs to sit and finally have some piece and quiet I have so been longing for all day. About an hour passes and now I am sitting on the porch with some sparkling apple juice-- I am somewhat puzzled at my choice, but feel it was just not a wine day for me... you scoot around the corner of the house and ask where Jayce is. Who is Jayce I ponder for a moment... before I can respond your sister goes hes fine, I just put him down for a nap let your wife take a break. Wife, take a break? Jayce?
Without a second thought I realize Jayce is my son, and soon we are packing him back into the car and driving to our home.

Why was I so out of it today I thought, I have a husband and a son? You lean over squeeze my inner thigh as you had when we were younger, and slowly move your hand onto my belly and ask how baby is doing... suddenly I gasp and look down to find my stomache a glow with the essence of another being. Pregnant? What is going on with me today...

I try and remember the days back where I longed for this day. The perfect man, the perfect family and I had everything I could ever want... without another breath a sharp pain kicks in my side and I convulse.

*** What just happened? I awake with blood streaming down my legs...

Here I lay in a double sized bed, with my orange and blue sheets covering my half naked body. Looking around the room there is nothing of yours here. I shiver and slowly crawl to my feet to clean off the stains forming on my thighs. As I get up and walk around tears are streaming down my face.
I realize there is no you, no Jayce, no ring, no love... just me... alone...

It was all a dream so life-like, so real. Why did I wake up? I could of died and forever lived in this dream world. You dont live here anymore, and your family barely speak to me...
I unlock my phone an open a document of where I have hidden future baby names (yes it is sad but oh well) as I scroll down there on the fifth line the name "Jayce" sticks out like a sore thumb. A name picked out... the tears run farther down my face.

Great way to start the day off right? I start to scream, to question, to wonder why on Earth you ever left! How could you do this when the picture in my head was so blatently perfect! I wish I could pull you into my dream and show you- and just be like look- it worked out! What were you thinking... I will never know and personally I dont think I ever will be okay...

Curlled up on the floor I sit and stare at where your presence used to be. This house is haunted with your old being, my unwed soul you left behind along with your unborn son. Funny how badly you hurt me, and you dont even know.

I hope all your nightmares become a reality, and your dreams diminish the second you wake up...

Sleepover

The tiny window-sill wrapped around the essence of the room, outlined in white cedar. It contained four small corridors, which could barely fit a grown man. And all along I was just sitting on the computer chair watching you sleep.

It smells of beer, and clothes are scattered all across the floor, and anything that has a shelf. The cat has permanently rested upon the many layers of blankets randomly selected on top of your bed.
With each type I hear the click of the keys on the keyboard, as the chair makes tiny squeaks as I gently re-adjust my posture. My toes become chilled and the tiny hairs on my legs are standing upright.

Upstairs your mom moves, and I am so scared she is about to trudge down the stairs, and I am stuck without a way to hide. The cat purrs louder and I can barely hear myself think... its gone... and just like that I am back to watching you sleep.

My sock once white, now is a stained brown-yellowish mould slowly creeping from my toes to my heals in the escape to find a new clean surface to dirty. I wish to grab each paper scattered along the floor and start a snowball-paper war and watch us laugh in endless delight... but I am just here sitting on a chair, wishing we were laughing, but we aren't and probably wont be today.

The clock is now 9:24am and you still seem to be engulfed in all the many blankets on your chamber. And I am growing thin of being a sacrifice to the one room at the end of the hall. Soon enough you will awake, and I as well as you must carefully release ourselves from the house and climb into the vehicle that awaits its carriers.

I look back and you have repositioned yourself so your face is looking at mine, I smile and turn away.

Tiny footsteps cause my gaze to shift upwards and count the seconds until an intruder passes the hallway connecting this dungeon I feel I have been in for days-- yet its only been a few minutes.

*Knock* *Knock*
It's your brother, hungover and stumbling into his bedroom, he gives me the oddest glance, smiles and turns around. It was as if he knew this was an odd encounter yet he was in approval. I missed your brother, well I miss him...

I carefully adjust my position, wiggle my toes, crack my back and slowly but calmly head towards you... sitting next to this lifeless body, I brush my ever so tainted lips on your warm cheek, slyly glide my left hand over your shaggy hair and watch you inhale and exhale. I know the next moment wont be pretty...

You look straight into my blood-shot eyes from the lack of sleep I gained-- I didn't want to wake up and not be connected to you in some way. Groggy, confused, dazed you wonder why I am perched next to you at such an hour on a Saturday. Sadly I must go and you aren't pleased. Silently we sneak upstairs, and manage to leave the house without a sound, success!

The drive in this teal box contains my tears and stains my sleeves. You push me out into the rain, and all I have left to see is the smoke your tires have left. You said nothing, yet that was enough for me to understand...

I felt safe at one point... now I am in a new unknown area of a timeless clock that wont tell me the time and I am not sure which corridor I am in. All I know is yet again I am sitting behind a screen typing and there is no one in the bed.

Sincerity

The wind blew through the blinds and sucked back in gusts, and the rain danced amongst the leaves as they tapped little routines inconsistently along the branches. The thunder quaked and shook the skies and was followed by a bright flash that was the earth's only source of light. The little infra-red numbers on the alarm clock buzzed out as the power went down through-out the entire neighbourhood. There was nothing in the air but slight snorts, and restful sighs as she lay next to her love. She couldn't see anything except when the lightening lit up the room for a split second. With every flash, she visioned images that seemed to just spin together. They wound together so perfectly, it was like seeing their lives right before her eyes; a video of their lives before it even started. With every inhale and exhale she imagined a new picture, a new part of their life.

The wheel continues to roll, ticking, clicking, and showing snippets of what could be. The lightening strikes and another picture is shown: She's sitting on the sand with her love in her arms, on a night just like tonight. There's fireworks in the sky, and people all around, but the picture is only focused on the two cuddled together on the wet blanket. Ticking and clicking, the wheel moves on.

Again, the light flashes, and a new picture is seen. The power is out again, and all is shown is a candle lit room with a crib in one corner, and one sleeping body on the floor, and one cradling a baby in a chair right beside the crib. The essence of the room is maternally soothing, and nothing short of happiness at its best.The thunder crashes and its followed by another light streak. A tent made of sheets and cushions is shown. The tent is illuminated with a dim light and two large shadows are seen with a little one in between. One of the bigger shadows has their arms up as if they're doing shadow puppets against the sheet wall while the little one has their arms up trying to copy. Tick, tick, tick, tick, another crash is heard.

One more picture is shown, a family sitting in their living room. The power is out again, and there are two elderly people sitting side by side on a love seat, and a young adult holding a flashlight on what is assumed to be their family; their spouse and young baby. The elderly two are smiling, and look highly content. The living room is the same as the room the tent was in in the previous picture. Clicking, and one last clap of thunder and the reel stops.
 

I am a crayon...

-- I am a crayon, used by many.... unfortunately the more I am used the quicker I disintigrate. I am part of a famil of many, I create peices of art. For I am just black. Used as an outline, a smudge or a filler. No child wants to pick up a black crayon and start drawing. I am dull, frigid and alone. For I am not even a colour I am a shade.

Not In Love

Let the sunlight in
You might never get this chance again
So take a deep breath and hold it in
You should take a picture-Cause you might never see me again
I said take a deep breath and hold it in

Because you're not in love
There's no way you possibly could
You shouldn't even like this
You just like the way it looks
If this is the end, and what's done is done
Then I wont have to keep hurting anyone

So let the wind take its course over everything
You have no control when it's out of your hands
You should take a minute for it all to settle in
I said take a deep breath and hold it in

Because you're not in love
There's no way you possibly could
You shouldn't even like this
You just like the way it looks
If this is the end, and what's done is done
Then I wont have to keep hurting anyone

Let the sunlight in
You better get as much as you can
Cause you might never feel the same again
And take the wind, let it blow away everything
I said take a deep breath and hold it in

Because you're not in love
There's no way you possibly could
You shouldn't even like this
You just like the way it looks
If this is the end, and what's done is done
Then I wont have to keep hurting anyone 

... give it up

It's always been based upon a boy, a guy, a man but never myself. I turn back time and pages, just to scribble in a moment with them. My schedule is erased, and their names are inscribed all over the surfaces my life consumes.
What if my name was chiseled on-top of a gravestone, would it matter then- would all my wasted efforts be looked upon...
A name, then another, and so forth- just a number and a tear. Each was said to last, said to feel good, said to care- but look at me; I am just a number to them as well, a name, a girl, some chick from back in the day.

I wish I could say with time things change, but honestly time makes things worse... I don't think I can physically/mentally/emotionally, erase and rip out the pages of my life and have them blank. Maybe one day someone will fill me in-mark my name on a date, and remember me as a celebration.

But to me all thats left is the remainder of the days, and which name gets penciled where...

picture face...

I see you constantly staring, those beady eyes seem to be fixated-in on one spot, the same spot, and it never changes. The melons which are ever encoded with blues, greens and browns are covered by a white glaze, I become hungry-only to realize I would blinde you for a taste. Those freckles make me want to play connect the dots with my knife, an carve away at what is left of you, only to re-create a master piece. It makes me twist my head ever so slightly to the right, waiting for the right moment to make my move...

It...

She lay there, almost lifeless to his eyes. The flesh on her body seemed to melt away as if there was nothing but bones left. Resembling tiny white picketed fences, but they seemed to be twisted and tattered, they were far from being perfectly in line. Gluing her eyelids to her top brown bone, just to remain awake, her slumber was meant to be permanent. It was suppose to happen overnight but this had been going on for many years now... everyone told her she needed to believe in something, but frankly she had, but just like all things in life they seemed to let her down and be seen as a disappointment.

Again there he stood perched over her decomposing body, his mouth seemed to want to consume her but she shook with fright. His icy touch froze her body, she wasn’t able to move a morsel and he took her over. The nail polish started to melt away as the sweat landed on each finger as she tried to claw herself from his grasp.

The bicycle she once road now lies faceless on the burnt grass; the cancerous rust has taken over it, and the once blue coating has now turned into a red puddle. The wheels have turned upside down, and who ever choose to ride, would only fall to their feet. Both tiny handle bars were now covered in moss and soot, and would sting each tiny cut on your palms. HELP, she spells out with each tiny incision she makes. He once felt so comforting to her but now she turns to the affair she made her own.  

Her childhood was an invisible nightmare, one she seemed to be playing on her own. Her skin began to grow back again strong and thick, this time not letting anyone or anything threw... he thought he had concurred her, yet he was just making her weaker by the minute. She was just a toy, used and thrown into the box once he was done with her, and she would rot away as she would back in the day. The once perfect Barbie had been encased for so long, Ken forgot about her and the next best thing would come and find her.

She lay there on the bed, as she had every night but this time she wasn’t going to let it happen again. The bicycle had been renewed and was ready to be ridden off into the foggy distance. The knife stood still on the nightstand and no longer would it be making incisions in her wrist, but the new owner was about to receive an unwanted and surprising gift...

Is death the question or the answer?

SO today you died, and I didn’t? How did that work out? So sick you were, and so sick I am. I am so sorry for showing you all my misery, but today is for you and not me… you once told me “
You have wings of STEEL. No one's really sure why, but at this point in your life you've shut off emotion to the point of extreme apathy. You are cold and indifferent much of the time...or perhaps you're just a good pretender. Next to impossible to get close to, even those who do never see the real you. It's entirely possible that YOU don't even know the real you. You have a certain fascination or attraction to destruction on a massive scale - disasters, perhaps even death or the concept of the Apocalypse. Because you hold so much inside, one day you're simply going to snap. Then the mask will fall away, and your true wings will be revealed. Until then you will deal with whatever comes your way in icy bitter silence and acceptance. On the positive side, you are fearless and immeasurably strong - not much can crack through your defences. You intrigue people, who can't help but wonder why you're the way you are. A loner and one who spends much of their time brooding and contemplating life and death - you are a time bomb waiting to explode and create some destruction of your own… but I still love you.”

you wanted me to write a blog for/about you, here it is....

"you don't throw a whole life away because it's banged up a little."

everyone deserves a second chance. -JB

They say everyone deserves a second chance, I think I have used mine up long ago... yet people still keep granting me them. I know personally all I have hurt over the many years, and words cant express how sorry I really am... You see/well I am not sure what it is, but I have this nact to know how to emotionally hit someone, a charge that is sent through their body like a beam of lightening striking down on them.
People tell me I am capable of being this awesome person, yet I wont allow myself this sort of gratitude.

It's taken me a while to see my own self destruction, but along the way I have seen the damage I have really done, it has all come back to me regardless if that isn't my intention. Karma's a bitch right?! I have won many battles, and wars, but tragedy has swept those times- I have lost everyone/everything close to me, and it's taken me this long to smarten up and say "what the hell am I doing?!"

To those who have been there and left, those who I  have yet to meet, and those who have stuck by long enough to tell me what an idiot I am... Thank you-  I wont let who ever else is out there down, just have some faith!

sometimes all someone needs is a second chance..... here goes nothing!

I remember...

Today I should be remembering the soldiers, and the people who faught for our country; am I ever so selfish to be thinking of  "you" today instead?
At 11:11am/pm, just as everyday passes this time, I wish; I wish for you, I wish for us, I wish for myself. I wish you were still here with me.
See I want to remember the good times we had, but all the lingers in my mind is what are you doing? Do you think of me, what happend to all the things I made you/or you had in your room? Did the garbage consume them, a well lit flame or a drawer with an endless mouth? It is a gut renching pain I wish upon no one to feel.

A friend of mine told me that a few years past her boyfriend sadly died in a car accident, she was laughing about it, its been two years... tomorrow it will be 4 months since you left me. Difference is you chose to leave me, her's didnt. She had closure, I never will...and so we'll never really understand each others pain... The thought of you still lingers in my mind, just as the poppys do in the fields. People remember this day, as I remember all my days with you. All I wish for is to be someones memory. To be thought of, to be worried about, to be cared about, the longing to be someones loved one. But every year on this day we remember them, not us, not yourselves, but "them". And a tiny part of my will always think of you today...

You can fly?

This cold hallow wooden structure that has her perched ever so slightly on its behind, brings shadow to her sunshine. The paint chips away as she strums her nails across its body, and it creeks as though it is trying to tell her to get up. She sat there in silence, watching what appears to be cloud like figures in the sky. It breaks through the blue canvas, leaving this foamy tail, trailing along side it; so strange a figure she had yet to see... It was fast but silent and it covered much of the ocean sky.
The movement of that giant piece of metal, sailed so effortlessly like a boat on calm water. They dove and ducked behind mountains, soared across homes, and flew with the birds... but at one time or another she knew they would have to crash in order to get their feet back on the ground.
You flew her heart straight into the ground and crushed her very insides with those tiny propeller blades, shredding her heart all across the runway. And with each gust of wind she would be taken farther and farther away from you... She was another passenger to you, she had gone along for your short ride; and was left to claim her own baggage. I guess it really was only a "one way" ticket to loneliness.

I walked passed her again today, she still sits in that very same spot I first saw her many months ago. Yet somehow the weather has changed and all is lost amongst the clouds. A plane goes by and a tiny tear falls from her painsaken eye, and as it falls to her hands I see a tiny piece of paper. It was her ticket from their first flight together... Her mind and soul are lost, wandering amongst the clouds; as the planes fly by, she traces her fingers along their structures, trying to remember what it felt like to really touch something...

I walk away ever so slowly, and as I turn my head to catch one more glance of her, the sky exploded, and I think a tiny smile finally perched itself onto her lips...

I dont know how it goes...

Someone once told me as time goes by, everything works itself out, and "time" heals all wounds... is that so?! So why is it that everynight I look down at my chest and see that there is this enormous hole where my heart used to be? Inscribed all around it are words and names of people that will forever haunt my soul.
I see people each and everyday saying those three simplistic words that never seem to leave my mouth nor enter my presence. "I love you" (I even hate typing it on a screen.) Where is the meaning behind it, it seeps out like lava, not caring what/who it hurts along the way... I was never told it as a child, and guys only used it as an excuse to well you know where it goes from there. To me those words have depth and meaning and sure I'll say luv ya, ilu, luv u 2, but I dont really "mean" it. Tell me something; what parents even mean it these days? Look at mine they are divorced, and hadn't said it in over twelve years, these highschool/college relationships stricly based on juvinille problems and well most family members they have to say it, they're stuck with you. To me there is no such thing as "love" and frankly I could care less if it even existed. Society has ruined the whole meaning behind it, with the ideas of fairytales leaving us with happily ever after, and movies and books that end with the girl getting the guy. WAKE UP!!!! Reality check! Personally I'll be content being the crazy cat lady...

Back again... to the beginning

It seems as though I keep coming back to the same corners of my mind, and I have no idea how I originally got there. I'm not sure what will come out of my words, or if anyone is out there for that matter wanting to read my tangled of a mess. At this time nothing makes sense, and my head is up their with the clouds. For all of you who have wondered what am I thinking (if that's ever the case) here it goes... Wish me luck!