Dream a reality

What happened, where am I, where were we...

There we sat, and talked and imagined a life we wanted... and it happened. Hand in hand we walked up to your parents doorway where we once spend endless moments in each others arms. Your mom answered, and with a huge smile embrassed me like her own. She smelt of hairspray and vanilla body lotion, her hair perfectly clipped back with just the right pieces falling down infront of her rose-bud like cheeks.

As we step through the doorway I notice your dad, Canucks shirt on and grabbing steaks to throw onto the BBQ. He looked so masculine, so incontrol, I knew where you got your amazing providing skills from. I feel so at home, and could not imagine being anywhere else. I calmly asked where your brother is, but I realize if I walk downstairs he'll be playing on his computer as he did years back.
I quickly encounter your sisters and brother-in-law and flash a few smiles and some quick squeezes, we havent seen them in a while... dont you remember back in the day how I was so concerned that they hated me? How foolish was I?

As I walk towards to bar stool I cannot help but look down at my left hand to notice a beautiful ring placed upon my ring finger. For a moment I am taken back, and soon realize we had wed the previous year and for some reason had slipped my mind. I try to be descreat but your mom notices the sly like grin on my face, and cannot help but chuckle at how I am being so giddy, was I acting like I was 14?

The night progresses, and as a family we have our dinner and chit chat about life and what is new... for some reason I still feel some tension with your sisters, but then again that is just me being silly as per usual. As follows I grab anything off the table to clear--but your mom as always tells me otherwise. I ask if I could possibly rest downstairs, since I have fallen faint and feel a horrible headache coming on... your younger of the two sisters chims in and says she will watch Jayce for me, while the boys go outside, and I rest downstairs. Not clueing in I casually agree with this notion of her watching so and so.

You then came in for a quick peck on the cheak and dash outside to go do what ever guys do. And I head downstairs to sit and finally have some piece and quiet I have so been longing for all day. About an hour passes and now I am sitting on the porch with some sparkling apple juice-- I am somewhat puzzled at my choice, but feel it was just not a wine day for me... you scoot around the corner of the house and ask where Jayce is. Who is Jayce I ponder for a moment... before I can respond your sister goes hes fine, I just put him down for a nap let your wife take a break. Wife, take a break? Jayce?
Without a second thought I realize Jayce is my son, and soon we are packing him back into the car and driving to our home.

Why was I so out of it today I thought, I have a husband and a son? You lean over squeeze my inner thigh as you had when we were younger, and slowly move your hand onto my belly and ask how baby is doing... suddenly I gasp and look down to find my stomache a glow with the essence of another being. Pregnant? What is going on with me today...

I try and remember the days back where I longed for this day. The perfect man, the perfect family and I had everything I could ever want... without another breath a sharp pain kicks in my side and I convulse.

*** What just happened? I awake with blood streaming down my legs...

Here I lay in a double sized bed, with my orange and blue sheets covering my half naked body. Looking around the room there is nothing of yours here. I shiver and slowly crawl to my feet to clean off the stains forming on my thighs. As I get up and walk around tears are streaming down my face.
I realize there is no you, no Jayce, no ring, no love... just me... alone...

It was all a dream so life-like, so real. Why did I wake up? I could of died and forever lived in this dream world. You dont live here anymore, and your family barely speak to me...
I unlock my phone an open a document of where I have hidden future baby names (yes it is sad but oh well) as I scroll down there on the fifth line the name "Jayce" sticks out like a sore thumb. A name picked out... the tears run farther down my face.

Great way to start the day off right? I start to scream, to question, to wonder why on Earth you ever left! How could you do this when the picture in my head was so blatently perfect! I wish I could pull you into my dream and show you- and just be like look- it worked out! What were you thinking... I will never know and personally I dont think I ever will be okay...

Curlled up on the floor I sit and stare at where your presence used to be. This house is haunted with your old being, my unwed soul you left behind along with your unborn son. Funny how badly you hurt me, and you dont even know.

I hope all your nightmares become a reality, and your dreams diminish the second you wake up...

Sleepover

The tiny window-sill wrapped around the essence of the room, outlined in white cedar. It contained four small corridors, which could barely fit a grown man. And all along I was just sitting on the computer chair watching you sleep.

It smells of beer, and clothes are scattered all across the floor, and anything that has a shelf. The cat has permanently rested upon the many layers of blankets randomly selected on top of your bed.
With each type I hear the click of the keys on the keyboard, as the chair makes tiny squeaks as I gently re-adjust my posture. My toes become chilled and the tiny hairs on my legs are standing upright.

Upstairs your mom moves, and I am so scared she is about to trudge down the stairs, and I am stuck without a way to hide. The cat purrs louder and I can barely hear myself think... its gone... and just like that I am back to watching you sleep.

My sock once white, now is a stained brown-yellowish mould slowly creeping from my toes to my heals in the escape to find a new clean surface to dirty. I wish to grab each paper scattered along the floor and start a snowball-paper war and watch us laugh in endless delight... but I am just here sitting on a chair, wishing we were laughing, but we aren't and probably wont be today.

The clock is now 9:24am and you still seem to be engulfed in all the many blankets on your chamber. And I am growing thin of being a sacrifice to the one room at the end of the hall. Soon enough you will awake, and I as well as you must carefully release ourselves from the house and climb into the vehicle that awaits its carriers.

I look back and you have repositioned yourself so your face is looking at mine, I smile and turn away.

Tiny footsteps cause my gaze to shift upwards and count the seconds until an intruder passes the hallway connecting this dungeon I feel I have been in for days-- yet its only been a few minutes.

*Knock* *Knock*
It's your brother, hungover and stumbling into his bedroom, he gives me the oddest glance, smiles and turns around. It was as if he knew this was an odd encounter yet he was in approval. I missed your brother, well I miss him...

I carefully adjust my position, wiggle my toes, crack my back and slowly but calmly head towards you... sitting next to this lifeless body, I brush my ever so tainted lips on your warm cheek, slyly glide my left hand over your shaggy hair and watch you inhale and exhale. I know the next moment wont be pretty...

You look straight into my blood-shot eyes from the lack of sleep I gained-- I didn't want to wake up and not be connected to you in some way. Groggy, confused, dazed you wonder why I am perched next to you at such an hour on a Saturday. Sadly I must go and you aren't pleased. Silently we sneak upstairs, and manage to leave the house without a sound, success!

The drive in this teal box contains my tears and stains my sleeves. You push me out into the rain, and all I have left to see is the smoke your tires have left. You said nothing, yet that was enough for me to understand...

I felt safe at one point... now I am in a new unknown area of a timeless clock that wont tell me the time and I am not sure which corridor I am in. All I know is yet again I am sitting behind a screen typing and there is no one in the bed.

Sincerity

The wind blew through the blinds and sucked back in gusts, and the rain danced amongst the leaves as they tapped little routines inconsistently along the branches. The thunder quaked and shook the skies and was followed by a bright flash that was the earth's only source of light. The little infra-red numbers on the alarm clock buzzed out as the power went down through-out the entire neighbourhood. There was nothing in the air but slight snorts, and restful sighs as she lay next to her love. She couldn't see anything except when the lightening lit up the room for a split second. With every flash, she visioned images that seemed to just spin together. They wound together so perfectly, it was like seeing their lives right before her eyes; a video of their lives before it even started. With every inhale and exhale she imagined a new picture, a new part of their life.

The wheel continues to roll, ticking, clicking, and showing snippets of what could be. The lightening strikes and another picture is shown: She's sitting on the sand with her love in her arms, on a night just like tonight. There's fireworks in the sky, and people all around, but the picture is only focused on the two cuddled together on the wet blanket. Ticking and clicking, the wheel moves on.

Again, the light flashes, and a new picture is seen. The power is out again, and all is shown is a candle lit room with a crib in one corner, and one sleeping body on the floor, and one cradling a baby in a chair right beside the crib. The essence of the room is maternally soothing, and nothing short of happiness at its best.The thunder crashes and its followed by another light streak. A tent made of sheets and cushions is shown. The tent is illuminated with a dim light and two large shadows are seen with a little one in between. One of the bigger shadows has their arms up as if they're doing shadow puppets against the sheet wall while the little one has their arms up trying to copy. Tick, tick, tick, tick, another crash is heard.

One more picture is shown, a family sitting in their living room. The power is out again, and there are two elderly people sitting side by side on a love seat, and a young adult holding a flashlight on what is assumed to be their family; their spouse and young baby. The elderly two are smiling, and look highly content. The living room is the same as the room the tent was in in the previous picture. Clicking, and one last clap of thunder and the reel stops.
 

I am a crayon...

-- I am a crayon, used by many.... unfortunately the more I am used the quicker I disintigrate. I am part of a famil of many, I create peices of art. For I am just black. Used as an outline, a smudge or a filler. No child wants to pick up a black crayon and start drawing. I am dull, frigid and alone. For I am not even a colour I am a shade.

Not In Love

Let the sunlight in
You might never get this chance again
So take a deep breath and hold it in
You should take a picture-Cause you might never see me again
I said take a deep breath and hold it in

Because you're not in love
There's no way you possibly could
You shouldn't even like this
You just like the way it looks
If this is the end, and what's done is done
Then I wont have to keep hurting anyone

So let the wind take its course over everything
You have no control when it's out of your hands
You should take a minute for it all to settle in
I said take a deep breath and hold it in

Because you're not in love
There's no way you possibly could
You shouldn't even like this
You just like the way it looks
If this is the end, and what's done is done
Then I wont have to keep hurting anyone

Let the sunlight in
You better get as much as you can
Cause you might never feel the same again
And take the wind, let it blow away everything
I said take a deep breath and hold it in

Because you're not in love
There's no way you possibly could
You shouldn't even like this
You just like the way it looks
If this is the end, and what's done is done
Then I wont have to keep hurting anyone 

... give it up

It's always been based upon a boy, a guy, a man but never myself. I turn back time and pages, just to scribble in a moment with them. My schedule is erased, and their names are inscribed all over the surfaces my life consumes.
What if my name was chiseled on-top of a gravestone, would it matter then- would all my wasted efforts be looked upon...
A name, then another, and so forth- just a number and a tear. Each was said to last, said to feel good, said to care- but look at me; I am just a number to them as well, a name, a girl, some chick from back in the day.

I wish I could say with time things change, but honestly time makes things worse... I don't think I can physically/mentally/emotionally, erase and rip out the pages of my life and have them blank. Maybe one day someone will fill me in-mark my name on a date, and remember me as a celebration.

But to me all thats left is the remainder of the days, and which name gets penciled where...

picture face...

I see you constantly staring, those beady eyes seem to be fixated-in on one spot, the same spot, and it never changes. The melons which are ever encoded with blues, greens and browns are covered by a white glaze, I become hungry-only to realize I would blinde you for a taste. Those freckles make me want to play connect the dots with my knife, an carve away at what is left of you, only to re-create a master piece. It makes me twist my head ever so slightly to the right, waiting for the right moment to make my move...