Too many too soon...

There must have been a concept I somehow missed when I was younger... where my name somehow became a definition-- and with it came the scrutinty of that background.

Here is to that guy that I let get away, who I pushed away, who I drove away... and now I am more stuck then I ever was on the day he walked out with his bags. If he saw this, I am sure he'd laugh and roll his eyes in disgust... for I am no different then the girl he first met so long ago. I miss you, and because of that loathing, this is what I am delt with. Because of you, I have lost myself.

Beyond wanting the love of my life, I find myself drawn to this gorgeous, handsome, strong man whos looks make me melt. The way he touches me, and holds me--I have never felt before, he always has me in his embrace, and I am never without kisses. But the messages and encounters are far and few between, and I must seem like a child bantering and messaging constantly... yet he still wants to see me-- and I long to see him. What is this?

Next, I have an interesting fellow (and yes I said next) who wants to settle down and have a family and kids, music to my ears... but I am 21? I realize I am not financially stable, I dont have my shit together-- or so I thought I did I work in the mall... oh dear God. But all I can think about is babies... and I am sure with that said-- I just scared off half of the male population. He is interesting to talk to and I can message when ever I want, I feel no pull... basically nothing.

Then you throw in a guy who I met, who leaves his  girlfriend of 2.5 years for me-- what is this?! How can I make these guys leave, be with me and then go oh dear I'm out. I am cursed. I feel bad leading the poor bastard on... maybe it's his accent I like, but no car, no really good job? (That is materialistic...) But I dont want to play games... he would spoil me, that is for damn sure, I just dont know if I would be invested, and search for something better. I sound picky right now...

There are options, endless options yet I keep searching. They say third time is a charm, but I dont want any of the three...

Baby Proof

I stared at the contraption right in front of my eyes, while counting down from 60.
The box said 2-3 minutes but I couldn't wait that long...
One line indicated a no, two lines indicated a yes.

I slowly opened the side, to make sure I didn't wreck the contents on the inside.
I knew what was about to happen next, and it was my least favourite part.
Washing my hands rigorously I made sure to not bump the test off the counter.

Again I kept staring, I was at 30 seconds now.
The lines started to form...
From light pink to a dark red.

Did I want a girl or a boy, boy or a girl?
It didn't matter I just wanted one.
I was like a little girl, I wanted the surprise to be over.

I had to double check the box just to be sure.
I was right...
It was just as I expected.

Negative.